Dear Steven Moffat,

Like all good Whovians, I know that there are good seasons and down right stinkers. I know that there are amazing episodes and complete bombs. I know you are a human being and it is not my intention to rant, disparage you, or hurt your feelings. But after watching the premier of Doctor Who Season 8, you must be stopped (at least from continuing to do the following)!

Endless Spin Offs Characters

Oh great, Wonder Lizard, her victorian wife, and the Space Potato! Yes, our first chance to see the new Doctor and instead we are going to waste half of the screen time trying to setup a spin off.

We get it, you love all these quirky little characters you have created. You would love nothing more than a universe full of killer statues, cracks in time, The Silence, and a detective trio you literally introduced with no introduction. And yes, these characters are usually funny and great on screen. But moderation!

But Vastra has been in 6 episodes so far. It took Jack Harkness 3 seasons to get to 9 episodes.

It just feels like you are spending more time working on spin offs than the main show. Especially when we are all waiting to meet the newest Doctor, he isn’t on screen half of the time.

Recycled Twists

Speaking of falling in love with your own ideas too much, did the clockwork people from Girl in the Fireplace really need to be reprised?

Steven, you are great with one-off episodes. But you are a Twilight Zone writer who has been given a whole franchise, and you cannot get over those great classic episodes you did and not you just keep bring back those twists to play with again and to show off to us in the audience… again.

Crazy Lady

Oh God! The Crazy Lady at the end! Seriously!?!

I DON”T CARE! Yet another crazy Eye-Patch Lady (High Priestess of Silence, Signora Calvierri, etc). These crazy women characters you write are fun for a single episode. Everyone like a scenery chewing megalomaniac (Max Capricorn anyone?) But I cannot stomach someone so cartoony being the big mystery for the whole season.

Your ladies make Kate O’Mara as the Rani look like a study in understated character acting.

Season Macguffins and Big Bads

Speaking of Big Bads….STOP!

You of all people should know better. You gave a great talk about Blink, explaining that Doctor Who monsters always fail in the big reveal. They never live up to the imagination of the audience and come off as sad and cheesy.

Well, same with your Big Bads. From the Crack to the Impossible Astronaut to Trenzalore (GAG!); these big reveals have been so underwhelming, so bad. So please, stop.

Let’s be clear, “Bad Wolf” and “Vote for Saxon” were not Macguffins. Those are the kind of fun clues that make rewatching a season enjoyable. The Crack in Time makes rewatching that season, unthinkable.

Cartoon Sound Effects

Do NOT use cartoon sound effects. Doctor Who has enough of a campy past to get over. I don’t need a Toontown “Boing!” when the Doctor falls asleep or a “Whip whoosh” while the crazy swings her umbrella over her head.

Its hard to bring new fans to the show, when all they see is adults actors in what sounds like the Teletubbies.

Opening Credits

UGH! Clocks? Gears? Really?!? For 50 years, no Time Lord has had to live with the indignity of a literal “Time Lord” opening sequence. You’ve done the impossible and topped Sylvester McCoy’s winking intro for bad taste.